How to find your soulmate: what researchers and relationship writers suggest

How to find your soulmate is one of the oldest questions there is, and the honest answer starts with what nobody can do: no quiz, chart or app can locate one person who was destined for you. What research and experienced relationship writers can offer is more practical. Know what you are looking for, put yourself where people are, and give a connection time to become what you hoped. This guide covers each of those, with the data on how couples actually meet today and what makes a match last.

The short answer

There is no method for finding a soulmate in the destined sense, because no one can check who was meant for you. If you use the word the way the dictionary does, for someone with whom you share “a unique deep connection based on mutual understanding and acceptance” (Merriam-Webster), then finding a soulmate looks like three ordinary things done patiently:

1. Get clear on what you want, mostly about how you want to feel, not how someone should look.
2. Meet more people, more than once. Couples meet in many ways now, and repeated contact matters.
3. Let connection build. The researchers and writers below agree that a soulmate bond is more often made over time than recognized in a moment.

Start with what you are looking for

Know yourself first

Therapist Kendra Capalbo, interviewed by The Telegraph, calls this her best tip: “you have to first know yourself before you can attract your soulmate.” The same article suggests that “you are far more likely to meet the right person if your life is already full,” with friends, hobbies and things you enjoy, so that a partner adds to a good life rather than becoming all of it.

A simple way to start is to write down how you want to feel around a partner. Understood? Calm? Challenged? Free to be silly? These are the parts of a description that stay useful whoever turns up.

Lyndsey Murray, founder of Relationship Matters Therapy, believes one of the best times to find a partner is when you are simply relaxing and enjoying life. “That way you set yourself up to meet someone who will match whatever energy you are putting into the world,” she told The Telegraph. Read that as encouragement rather than a rule: searching hard is not a mistake, but a life you already like makes the search less heavy.

Learn from past relationships

The same Telegraph piece calls self-awareness “integral to finding a new partner” and suggests learning from previous relationships, even when it means facing your own faults, so that you do not repeat old behaviors. One way to do it without dwelling: for each past relationship, write one thing you would look for again and one thing you would notice sooner next time. The second list is often more useful than the first, because it shows the patterns you tend to miss when a connection feels exciting.

If a past relationship still hurts, the article’s advice is to let “old scars” heal before moving on. That is not a reason to wait forever. It is a reason to notice whether you are looking for a partner or for relief.

Beware the perfect template

The opposite trap is a list so specific that no one can meet it. Psychologist Cheryl Fraser, writing on the Gottman Institute blog, describes people who “discover an unrealistic list of qualities they expect their partner to have,” and adds: “Sadly, no mere mortal can ever live up to the perfect partner in your head.” The Telegraph makes a related point about “types”: sticking to a narrow one can lead back to relationships that did not work before, and “dating a wide range of people is fun and interesting and may just lead you to your soulmate.”

Keep the list about values and feelings. Leave the height, the hair and the job title open.

Values over matching hobbies

A post on the Gottman Institute blog about finding a soulmate quotes Ted Huston of the University of Texas, who studied married couples over many years: “My research shows that there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy.” According to the same post, John Gottman found that personality measures cannot predict how long a relationship will last, and that what matters is “how you speak to each other, how well you get along, and how you move through time together.”

That is useful when you are looking. Shared hobbies are pleasant. Shared values, such as whether you both want children, how you handle money and how you treat each other when tired, are what those researchers point to.

Where couples actually meet

The ways people meet have shifted a lot. In a 2017 survey analysed by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld and published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, about 39 percent of heterosexual couples said they met online, compared with 22 percent in 2009. Meeting through family, church and the neighborhood has been in decline since 1940, according to the same research.

Other surveys count it differently. Pew Research Center, asking all partnered US adults in 2022, found that one in ten met their current partner through a dating site or app, and one in five of those under 30. The two surveys asked different questions of different groups, so the figures do not contradict each other: Pew counted every partnered adult, including people who met decades before apps existed.

Online, with care

If you use apps, the numbers say you are in good company. The same Pew survey found that three in ten US adults have ever used a dating site or app, the same share as in 2019. An app widens the pool; it does not do the knowing for you.

The same caution applies online as anywhere: take the time to see how someone behaves over weeks, not only how the first conversation felt. A profile is a description someone chose to write, much like the list you wrote for yourself above. Meeting in person, and then meeting again, is where the list meets a real person.

Friends, work and shared places

Most people still meet partners in ordinary places they return to. Psych Central, summarizing research on what makes romantic love possible, lists familiarity from regular contact “at work, social outings, or knowing some of the same people” alongside reciprocal liking and social acceptance. That is a good argument for the class you keep going to, the team you join, and the friend who likes to introduce people.

Places that fit you

The Telegraph suggests new activities as a way to widen your circle: a class, a language, volunteering. The point is not the activity itself but being somewhere you are relaxed enough to be yourself, among people who share at least one thing you care about.

Give connection time

Found, or made?

Many psychologists describe a soulmate as someone you grow into rather than find. Psychologist Shauna Springer wrote in Psychology Today in 2012 that “we can become each other’s soul mates as the result of a deep and lasting love relationship.” The Telegraph advises, “don’t expect to see them as a soulmate initially,” because strong connections “can also take time to build.”

Research on relationship beliefs points the same way. In February 2026 the BBC reported that studies led by C. Raymond Knee found that people who saw relationships as “meant to be” were more likely to doubt their commitment after conflict, while people with “growth beliefs” tended to stay committed through arguments. If you are looking for a soulmate, it may help to look for someone you would want to build something with, rather than someone who feels finished on day one. We go deeper into this in do soulmates exist.

The first months

Relationship writers often describe the first months as stages: a honeymoon, then a stretch where real life and disagreements show up, then a point where you can decide. The popular version is called the 3-6-9 rule, and writers are clear it is a rule of thumb, not a law. Our guide to when will I meet my soulmate explains it and what it does and does not say.

When intensity feels like destiny

A very strong pull toward someone can feel like proof. It is not always. Love coach Vicki Pavitt told the BBC that “a lot of chemistry and the spark” can sometimes be “about opening old unhealthy patterns, like old wounds.” A connection that grows steadily is often a better sign than one that feels overwhelming from the first hour. For the signs people describe, and what they do not prove, see signs you met your soulmate.

Quizzes, astrology and signs: what they can add

Plenty of people use quizzes, sun signs, numerology or tarot while they look, and they can be fun. What they can honestly add is words: a way to describe what you like in people, or a prompt to think about what you want. What they cannot do is point to a person or rule anyone out. Britannica is direct about astrology: “Astrology is not supported by science.”

If you enjoy these tools, keep them in the role of conversation starter. Our guide to who is my soulmate walks through five of them, what each one does and where it stops, and soulmate by birth date covers the traditional sign matches.

A short plan you can start this week

These are our suggestions, shaped by the sources above, not rules, and you can skip any that do not fit your life.

1. Write three lines about how you want to feel with a partner, and one line about what you would not accept.
2. Pick one place you will return to for a month: a class, a club, a volunteering shift, a regular game night.
3. Tell two friends you are open to meeting someone. People who know you well are good at spotting a fit.
4. If you use an app, slow the pace. Meet, then meet again before deciding.
5. Check your list against people, not the other way round. After a few weeks with someone, ask whether you feel understood and accepted, the heart of the dictionary definition.

Where a portrait fits

A portrait will not find anyone for you. It can make the first step on that list more vivid. The Soulmate Studio asks seven quick questions, such as what draws you to someone first and where you feel most at home, plus your birthday (month and day only). You get one portrait in our signature pencil-sketch style and a short written reading built from your answers and sun sign. The face is imagined, not predicted, and it is not a real person. It is for entertainment and reflection, a face to hold your list up against.

It costs $19, paid once, no subscription, and arrives by email, usually within minutes and always within 24 hours. You can read a sample reading first, or start your sketch now.